Thursday, June 21, 2012

Higgs Boson Soon? Place Your Bets

Over the past few weeks, rumors of a recent Higgs boson discovery have spread rapidly across the internet. If you believe the rumors, there's a good chance that LHC scientists will announce strong evidence (or maybe even a discovery) of the much hyped "God particle" at an upcoming high energy physics conference in early July.

We don't know what's going to happen in July, but we do know what could happen. Thanks to Physics Central's handy Baryon Solenoid/Metric Tachyon Energy Radiometer (BSMeTER), we can predict the likelihood of what might happen at an upcoming press conference.

Our supercomputers have analyzed the data from the BSMeTER and delivered a list of the 15 most likely scenarios. Here's our unbiased, scientific results:

1. Physicists report yet more "tantalizing hints" of the Higgs boson, adding that more experiments need to be done.

Odds: 75 in 100

2. CERN Scientists announce the discovery of the Higgs Boson

Odds: 50 in 100

3. Fermilab scientists interrupt the announcement, saying, "Yo CERN, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish. But the top quark was one of the best particle physics discoveries of all time. One of the best of ALL TIME!"

Odds49 in 100

4. Higgs bosons found traveling faster than the speed of light, proving Einstein wrong

Odds30 in 100

5. Faster-than-light Higgs found to be the result of faulty cables

Odds30 in 100

6. When asked why Higgs results appear to have leaked to bloggers early, a CERN spokesperson replies, "That's a clown question, bro."

Odds: 15 in 100

7. Higgs bosons found to bear a striking resemblance to Carl Sagan

Odds1 in 100

8. Allstate raises CERN's insurance rates after reports of millions of collisions at the LHC

Odds1 in 1000

9. LHC transitions to colliding gold ions, miraculously solving the Eurozone debt crisis

Odds1 in 4000

10. New discoveries cast doubt on string theory; twine theory gains traction

Odds1 in 15000

11. CERN announces their new mascot, Mortimer Muon, to a chorus of boos from the crowd.

Odds1 in 100000

12. CERN announces a large theft of antimatter; a worldwide manhunt for Dan Brown ensues.

Odds1 in 2000000

13. No "God" particle found at LHC; physicists settle for "demigod" particle.

Odds1 in 100000000

14. Scientists unveil a new snack to coincide with the latest particle flavor: Cheesy Quarks

Odds1 in 1000000000000

15. Mutant Badgers

Odds: Dangerously High

I'd like to thank Physics Central team member Quantum for his fruitful discussions regarding our research.


If you want to keep up with Hyperspace, AKA Brian, you can follow him on Twitter.

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