Friday, April 01, 2011

Low Water Mark for Physics Buzz Team

PhysicsBuzz is sad to report today that several of the physicists who toured the decrepit Superconducting Super Collider in Texas were escorted from the office this morning. Re-posted below is an article detailing what happened:

-----

Apr 1, 10:00 AM EDT

Four Physicists Arrested in National Lab Break-in
By Flora S. Lipo

COLLEGE PARK, Md. -- A team of four physicists was arrested this morning at the headquarters of the American Physical Society (APS) in College Park, MD. Plain-clothed officers from the Department of Homeland Security entered the building around 8:30 a.m. and detained the suspects without incident. The group is charged with breaking and entering a secure government facility, destruction of government property, stealing national secrets and parking illegally.
[Photo taken by a building employee as the suspects were being escorted out.]

During the APS March Meeting held in Dallas, Texas, the individuals traveled 30 miles south to Waxahachie, Texas, and entered the five remaining buildings of the Superconducting Super Collider (SSC).

To gain access to the facility they allegedly tore apart a cargo bay door. Police suspect that scientific equipment, framed photos, signs and a mug shot were all stolen from the site as trophies. The group supposedly took over 300 photos of their exploits, which may used by the prosecution at their impending trial. While they allegedly committed these crimes, their rented minivan was parked in a handicap parking spot resulting in a $250 parking fine. One member of the group said, “Yes, the parking ticket was just rancid icing on this most untasty cake.”

The Department of Homeland Security was alerted to the team’s exploits after their blog post about their adventures became viral. An anonymous source tipped off the department after reading the post, which had been featured on SlashDot, PhysicsWorld, BoingBoing and Reddit.

“I was appalled that that a team of physicists would not only break into a national lab which still houses government secrets but then brag about it! I had to let someone know so that this behavior did not continue and the group would have to answer for their crime," the informant said. Though the Waxahachie police station directly across the street saw some unusual activity on the buildings’ roofs, they chose not to act. “We just thought it was some birds or something. We didn’t think it was that big a deal,” one Waxahachie police officer said before returning to his coffee and jelly donut.

The quartet is currently being housed in the Riverdale, MD, penitentiary to await extradition to Texas. The fifth member of the team remains at large and is suspected to have fled to Arizona. This is the third arrest for one of the team and he may be eligible to be prosecuted under the Texas “three strikes” law, possibly leading to a much longer sentence.

Closed down in 1993, the SSC would have been the largest particle accelerator in the world, even surpassing the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) currently operating in Switzerland. After the accelerator was shut down the buildings became the property of the U.S. Government. They are now used to house thousands of confidential government files.

APS declined to comment on the incident.

Happy April Fool's Day from the Physics Buzz team! <-- No one found this secret clue!

***UPDATE @ 4:01 P.M. EDT***
April Fools! The Physics Buzz team members are each safely tucked into their cubicles and offices here in College Park. We wish everyone a happy April Fools Day and would also like to extend an apology to the Department of Homeland Security for any ill-will that came your way as a result of this post. It was all in good fun!

31 comments:

  1. Well, I hope this is April fool's. Otherwise I can only say that I wish a painful and humiliating death with anal bleeding to everyone at the DHS. This kind of fascist treatment of abandoned buildings as more valuable than human life and scientific inquiry is disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What govt secrets? Its a supercollider carrying out public research

    ReplyDelete
  3. JB Hunt LLC owns it now. I did my research. It has to be April Fools

    ReplyDelete
  4. If this isn't an April Fools joke, it's just further evidence that educated people should be leaving the United States if they want to live.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Flora S. Lipo = April Fools

    ReplyDelete
  6. well done. You are, in fact, correct. The Physics Buzz team is now chilling with some beers to celebrate our accomplishments today. Cheers! And as far as we know, DHS are perfectly nice people.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So an abandoned site has top secret high technology? Why is it abandoned?

    If they're really storing confidential files at the "abandoned" site, you think it would have had security protecting it.

    I think they're getting arrested because this is yet another embarassment for our government, which is acting much like a totalitarian regime.....embarass them and you go to jail for it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. > What govt secrets? Its a supercollider carrying out public research

    Bitches don't know bout my dimensional portal.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hilarious prank -- I'll definitely be back next year to see what you cook up! April fool! I really think it was too boring to be made up, but my expectations of humanity were, as usual, too high.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not sure if this is a prank, but I'd like a clarification to its legitimacy. I wrote an article on the SSC on AmericanUrbex.com after reading about the exploration. Thanks! - Ken

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Ken -- Yes, this is a prank. Though a group of physicists did go visit the SSC, they were not arrested today. Please see the bottom of this post for an update. Happy April Fool's!

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @Physics Buzz Commenters -- Thanks, guys and gals, for being a part of the dialogue, but let's keep the comments clean, please!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I worked at the SSC and still live here. There is NO Waxahatchie PD station within miles of it...

    ReplyDelete
  15. To the DHS: You know that due to the Patriot Act, you are now the de facto go-to governmental department when a villain is needed, right?

    Sorry about your luck on that, but chin-up! The FBI loves you for it, as does the CIA.

    Now the real question is, why is the NSA getting away scott-free?

    ReplyDelete
  16. The sad thing is that this is so entirely believable given how stupid and overbearing our government security forces have become.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ha, you guys are in CP? hadn't noticed that from the pics before. *waves from across campus*

    ReplyDelete
  18. It just gets worse and worse!

    Now the APS is staging a cover-up for DHS by trying to pass it off as an April Fools prank.

    Shame!

    We're not fooled.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Looove you guys! :D

    ReplyDelete
  20. Does anyone know how to recall a package that has already been mailed out (USPS) ?

    Can you go to jail for sending DHS a mail bomb if you call them up and alert them to it before it explodes ?

    ReplyDelete
  21. No need to throw them into a Riverdale penitentiary; just throw them into the parking lot of the Alamo...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Well played, my friends. Well played. You had me going.

    ReplyDelete
  23. It is Ellis county precinct #2 thats across the street.

    They maintain the sheriff cars and other county work. There are sheriff offices people in and out during the day.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Bravo! Well done April fool's joke!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Did you notice the grammer in the article? Must be a fake.

    ReplyDelete
  26. "..Police Officer...returning to his coffee and jelly donut."

    I was almost convinced until I read that ;)

    ReplyDelete
  27. There is many weird posting here? Does anyone read before they hit "Enter"????

    ReplyDelete
  28. The sad thing is, I really believed this could happen. And I started humming "Alice's Restaurant"

    ReplyDelete
  29. > "... started humming 'Alice's Restaurant'"

    See you on the "Group W" bench. :-)

    ReplyDelete