Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Higgs Boson Found

This news story just came in over the wires! It's incredible, I haven't seen it reported elsewhere yet so I'm just going to post it in full to the site!

Higgs Boson Found

The theorized Higgs boson, subject of intense research by physicists the world over, was discovered this morning wedged between the cushions of the Yonz family living room couch in Topeka Kansas. Scientists the world over have hailed the discovery as a tremendous advancement for fundamental physics, but have expressed surprise at some of the particles unique attributes.

"The boson is certainly larger than we expected. Our previous estimates had the particle pegged at about 1 millionth of a nanometer. Instead it turns out its closer in size to a ping-pong ball," said Dr. Adam Finder, researcher at Fermilab.

The boson, which is bright green in appearance, was discovered by the youngest member of the Yonz family, Barry age 9, when he was looking for the remote control to the TV. When Barry first happened on the particle, he was unsure of what it was.

"When I first pulled it out of the couch I thought it was the gobstopper I dropped in there last week," Barry went on to add that after further testing, his discovery was in fact the theorized Higgs boson which gives matter its mass, and that it tastes like raspberry.

"It does come as a surprise," said Finder. "We had been building particle accelerators for years trying to create one of the bosons in a lab by smashing protons together, but we were obviously just looking in the wrong spot."

In response to this discovery, scientists the country over have been applying for grants to begin a nation-wide search for any evidence of dark matter hiding behind old boxes in garages. The European Union meanwhile has just approved funding to build a gigantic, 13 km wide loveseat in hopes of discovering the even more elusive gluon.



18 comments:

  1. WOW! Now this is news that's really worth reporting. All that other stuff about politics and the economy pales in comparison to something as earth moving as this. Go! Go! Go! You scientists and find more of these dust bunnies on which to build a new world order.And a great big, Thank You, to Mrs Yonz of Topeka for failing to vacuum behind the sofa cushions.

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  2. Way to go Yonz family. All we need now is the Chinese goverment to send their best ping pong player against Forest Gump. The winner gets to explain the higgs' spin.

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  3. And all this time I had been looking in the wrong place: Higg's Field outside of Canton, Ohio. Hate it when that happens.

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  4. damn alien will love to hear about this great finding. im sure we will form great allies on our next great research for the dark matter

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  5. I have a fractal theory of light. I propose that light is fractal in nature. Fractal geometry would help explain the uncertainty principle in quantum physics. If something reduces infinitely, its actual location would reduce infinitely also. Its momentum too could never be precisely measured because the smallest particle itself could never be pinpointed. I'd love to hear your comments. C. Freiberger
    856 Coles Ferry Rd, Gallatin, Tn. 37066

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    Replies
    1. Okay great! Now that the Higg's boson has been found, what are we going to find inside it?

      Why are folks sinking in billions for a lost cause!?

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  6. wow - I didn't know that someone had lost their Higgs boson - now if someone could just help me find my mind -

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  8. That was hilarious!!! Not...

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  9. Funny stuff - I especially like the bit about looking for dark matter behind boxes in the garage! You should become a science correspondent for the Onion.

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  10. wrong, wrong, wrong i tell you. i found higgs boson last week; a thin jewish man living in rural Victoria in Australia.
    He has been hiding here for seven years & doesn't understand "why za fuss over me? gees i should have a life!"
    Mr boson then left to rent a small office chair for his caravan. Nonetheless, this does not in any way discredit the Yonz family or their furniture. Goodonya Barry!

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  11. This Higgs thingy is more injection of the HOLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  12. Let's get real here. After the vast amount of time and money has been poured into the Hadrom collider there is no way they are going to say they have not found the bloody thing. They have too or they might get lynched by all the tax payers who had to fork out for it. So it might as well be down the back of a sofa cos one way or another it is GOING to be found now and we hardly have the either the technology at home or the expertise from our schooling to argue.

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  13. Oh..the 'scientist's conspiracy' again..when will people realize that all scientist's are not cooped up in a big room and that there are competent people out there who will know if someone makes outrageous assertions?

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  14. To state this, in a medical-term...some rectum found this boson under his sofa...Is that person so bored, that's it !

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